However, I am trying also to be determined. And that's the key word: trying. Because, let's face it, isn't that what we're all doing? Trying. Trying to succeed at dieting. Trying to get by at work. Trying to be a better parent, a better sibling, friend, child. Trying.
Surely, we need to give ourselves a break? I'm not perfect: I'm human.
So, what has changed to bring me back here?
I'm forty in 160 days. I have a birthday party (ooh, mine!!) in 163 days. I'm having my annual family holiday in 72 days. Enough is enough. I cannot be fat anymore! The only person who can change that is me. Currently, my weight is 190lbs. (I'm putting it into lbs rather than stones as dealing with whole numbers makes it easier for me to visualise. Honest. It has nothing to do with the fact that folks generally aren't great at their 14 times table and it might take a little longer for you to work out how much of a heifer I actually am!) With 22 weeks until my party, I know I'm not going to hit my target weight loss of 50lbs but I hope to be damned close to it.
I am fully aware that I have made these promises to myself before. Right here on this blog. I know that no one has any reason to believe that this time is different to all those over times before. Truthfully, I don't even know that. But I have to try.
I've gone back to Slimming World. I'm trying to stay to class, too. (Ok, so I've changed groups within the first three weeks already as my usual negativity towards SW groups was starting to fight back and I had to do something to stay with it!) I've had a number of family events in the last fortnight wi copious amounts of wine, but I've still managed to lose two and a half pounds so far. I'll take that. It's probably more than I deserve. I'm trying to keep up with everything, track everything, admit to everything, no matter how good, bad or ugly it may be. I've been in denial for way too long. Apparently, it isn't just a river in Egypt. Who knew?
I'm still exercising. Some days I find it easier than others. However, it does help my mood massively. I'm enjoying working out with a trainer twice a week, and I have a gorgeous little home gym set up in the garage thanks to my fantastic husband.
I've booked a real humdinger of a birthday party. I have to do it this time. Well, I'm going to try.