Oh dear. It would appear my blogging and ability to develop a sense of willpower are not connected. I thought I was doing so well yesterday.
Breakfast: spinach and bacon omelette and only one cup of coffee
Snacks: pecan nuts
Lunch: chicken and roast veg
Teatime snack: celery and humus
Tea: clean rogan josh and brown rice
Him indoors had bought some scotch and offered me a drink. I turned him down. I avoided diet coke. I had one more coffee when I got home from work. I drank more water than I thought physically possible (and had to pee a lot!!).
And then it happened.
Him indoors got up after tea and uttered the fateful words...
"Dairy Milk or a Twirl?"
Well, I'd love to tell you that I sat there smug and pious, turning him down and asking for another glass of water. I'd love to say that I smiled sweetly and told him my body was a temple and I wouldn't pollute my system with such outrageous toxins. But hey, if I was able to do that, I wouldn't be talking to you guys, would I? No, I'd be one of those skinny bitches that I long to be. I'd have long swishy hair (because they all do, don't they?) and I would have swished it contemptuously while giving him a haughty stare from under my six inch eye lashes (still in the fantasy... Work with me here) and he would have shuffled away, ashamed.
I had the Twirl.
Come on!!! It was like offering the purest form of crack to an addict who's been forced to endure nothing but methadone for months!!!
And you know what was the worst thing? I didn't enjoy it. The guilt I felt with every bite was horrendous.
This then led to the really supportive comment, "Bloody hell. It was one bar of chocolate. You can have one bar of sodding chocolate!"
I had to go to bed then as trying to explain would have been fruitless. The same man, when I'm crying again about being fat in a few weeks time will make noises about being supportive and not eating chocolate in front of me. He is really good usually, and puts up with a lot, but he's naturally slim. It's great that he loves this tubby ball of lard, but he'll never truly understand.
So today is a new day. I'm back on it like the proverbial car bonnet. Today, my diet will be toxin free (sorry, I've read a lot of James Duigan this week) and I might even make it to the gym. I'll tell myself every hour that I can do this and I will be slim, and by the weekend I'll be able to feel my ribs again (because it works like that, doesn't it, this mind stuff?).
Wish me luck x